Just Breathe… and Eat

It’s been almost two weeks since my sinus surgery/deviated septum fix, and I’m sort of losing it. I opted for the procedure in hopes that my airflow would improve and my migraines might be more tolerable. For the first week I was painfully losing it, followed by several being just completely out of control, and now I’m just a sedentary lump of a mess.

I knew that the surgery would be painful, and so I allocated two days after plus the weekend for my recovery. IT WAS NOT ENOUGH. No thanks to my doctor, who reassured me that this was going to be “uncomfortable” for a few days but “really not that bad”. Maybe I’m a wimp. I asked myself if I was. I’ve certainly had wimpy moments before. So I challenged myself not to be a wimp. No luck. I only ended up hurting and feeling whiny and badly about my lack of pain tolerance.

Six days after the surgery, I tried going back to work. Two and a half hours later, on the verge of tears, I packed up, told my admin, and headed home. … But not straight home. This was the point where I transitioned from painfully losing it to going completely out of control. Because somewhere in my lack of any sense whatsoever, my body told me that the best way to fix the problem was to head to the McDonalds drive thru. And in that drive thru, I, who very proudly doesn’t eat “that”, I ordered the quarter pounder meal. Large. And I ordered a fish fillet. And a southern chicken sandwich. There is really no life vest once you’ve broken through the “I don’t eat that” dam. The drive thru was the tipping point for masochism gone wild. I have no idea how much of the pain over the next several days was caused by the surgery versus the inflammatory substances I consumed.

Daydreaming about running today, which - Three cheers for Holly! - actually happens, I’m itchy to get moving again. My friends at work are going without me. Everyone I know seems to have run some kind of race this weekend. I cheered for, rather than ran with, my daughter during her 5k on Sunday. I have that panicky feeling that it will be hard, and I won’t be able to do it when I get to start again. I can intellectualize it all and see that it won’t be so bad – that I don’t have to wait for too long, but the feeling is there regardless. I see the doctor again next week for a progress report and will hopefully be cleared for more than just light activity. In my mind light activity was supposed to be only a few miles at a slow pace. In his apparently light activity is just my normal life at work and running the family.

Yet I know it will come. I will be okay. Each day is better than the day before. I will start moving again, and every step will be a good one. And in her first official race on her own, my daughter ran beautifully.

All you have to do is ask

I've been quiet lately, and while I'm not totally off the exercise wagon, I haven't been crushing attempting thinking about at all any new goals either. I'm running, going to the gym a bit, and sticking with a fairly predictable and not terribly demanding routine. Part of that is just the time it takes me to get used to a new school year - for myself and for the kids, and in the spirit of full disclosure, part of it is because I've been eating more, drinking more wine, and staying up too late.

And then today my friend Josh told me that he registered for the Rock 'n Roll Half in DC. And apparently that is all it takes for me to go from zero plans to hitting "process registration".

Thanks Josh - you're the best.

Blog? What blog???

Ohhhh... MYYYY blog... right, write, I have a blog.... For the first time I'm proud to say that my silence isn't because I've been a total slacker. An unanticipated outcome of keeping a separate FB page for my blog is that I have found so many other great blogs and pages that keep me motivated. By the time I've caught up on this one and that one, I've been staring at the screen for so long that I really need to unplug.

As many of you know, my main reasons for starting down this tech trail were to write about my intention to become a healthier person, generate some accountability, find other like minded people hoping to do the same and hopefully even get to the point of being able to share some personal goals and accomplishments. A few months after I started writing, I created the Facebook page for two main reasons. I was starting to worry that I was annoying my personal FB world with my new adventures and could give any of them an option to "Like" and thus follow along or to stick with more periodic updates, family photos - you know, the regular stuff. It was an added bonus that I could keep other pages that I follow in a separate feed.

I never expected to find SO MANY other people out there looking for and doing the exact same thing. Every day I come across another page or stumble upon another blog that speaks to me. I wish there was time to keep up with all of them. There are several though that I do follow closely. When I read about their goals and the ups and downs along the way - personal victories, medals earned, injuries, personal relationships, family emergencies, tough training regimens and new forrays into exercise, I find myself cheering, sending encouragement, nodding in understanding, and wanting good things for each of them.

So while I haven't written much lately, I have been reading a ton. When I haven't been reading, or cooking (crazy food issues), or chasing around my 2 yr old, or picking up after said 2 yr old, or hanging with my 10 yr old, or trying to spend time with my husband, in the past month I've been going to the gym and running as much as possible. I've done my first International Duathlon (does that even exist? It was supposed to be a Triathlon but the storms washed away the swim course so we ran instead of swam the first mile) and ran my fastest 5k.

For everyone who has reached out to me in some way - by reading these posts, following my page, giving me encouragement, inviting me for a race, sharing advice, and letting me get to know you - I want to say thanks again. I never imagined that writing, sharing, etc. would have as positive of an impact on me as it has, and it is all because of YOU.

And for accountability purposes, my husband and I made it out for a 4+ mile run this morning with the jogging stroller. Just in case you were wondering.

Point and Purpose

This Sunday Justin and I will be participating in the Jamestowne International Triathlon - 1.5K swim, 40K bike, and 10K run. It will be our first event of that distance, our first event together, and our first night away from our kids in two and a half years since our son was born.

A few months ago when we registered, I naively thought that I'd get myself into some sort of training regimen. I didn't learn my lesson from the half marathon and really thought that excitement and good intentions would make it happen.

The plain truth is that it. did. not.

Do I have excuses? Oh sure! I have lots of them. Here are just a few:

1. I tore my hamstring my freshman year of college. I deserved it really - I was making fun of a group of spritely little cheerleaders, jumped into my split, laughed with my friends as I hoped no one noticed me hobbling back to my dorm. I then spent the next three days in my loft because I couldn't move. Nearly 20 years later, I still have a lot of scar tissue that occasionally wreaks havoc on my hamstring (right), my left hip, my left knee, my right foot, etc. For the past couple of months I've been participating in an after school fit club with some co-workers, and several of the exercises have exacerbated my hamstring. I've iced and stretched and woken up in the night and done it all over again, but it's definitely been a nuisance. I cut down how often I was going to fit club, and I started modifying a lot of the exercises, but the girl leading it is a great girl, and I wanted to support her, so I kept going when I could. The result has been an overall decline in regular exercise since so much of the time I was hurting.

2. I've been working on the diet changes and have given myself too much credit and leeway to do nothing because I've suffered horribly from chocolate omission.

3. Some days have been rainy.

4. Or they've been too hot.

5. I haven't wanted to go by myself.

6. Cleaning and organizing random areas of my house suddenly becomes very important right before I am able to leave for the gym.

Recently I've been able to add two more:

7. My son spiked a 104 fever on Friday and has been attached to me every day until today. I realize that this wouldn't have been my time to train, but it's definitely bumped me from "tapering" to "slothing around". Until last night, I had come to accept that this would be Justin's race and that I would either take the boy with me to watch or we would stay home and wait to hear about it. Now he seems fine, so we're back to our original plan.

8. I woke up Monday morning with a crick in my neck and have been moving like a robot since - particularly driving the car. I can't even imagine bilateral breathing right now...

Are there more? Probably. Yes. Certainly.

Does it matter? I'm not sure.

I loved the half marathon most because I gave myself permission for whatever happened to happen. Everybody knows that I'm not in this to win it, and when I start thinking about competing I turn into my freaked out stress case state. Instead of getting ready for this race, I'm choosing to just look at Sunday as a fun day of exercise and will make me healthier and stronger than I am right now. Can I swim a mile? Yes. Can I bike for 25? Yup. Can I run for six? Um... after the prior two? I can probably shuffle and schlep my body the distance. Do I see myself on a podium? No. Does that matter? NOT IN THE LEAST.

On Friday Justin and I went for a 50 mile bike ride, and it was great. We casually talked about our upcoming triathlon, and I told him that my "training" is all for the day that he and I take a weekend to bike the C&O Canal to a bed and breakfast. It's for our recent trip to the zoo with the kids when I didn't get tired and could walk around for the entire day without resenting him or the kids for making me move faster. It's for all of the extra steps that I take that I wasn't taking a couple of years ago.

So... 1.5; 40; 10?

It sounds like a good way to spend a Sunday to me.

Summer Lovin'

This past Wednesday marked the end of the school year as I turned in my badge and keys for the summer. Every part of my body wants to scream and do cartwheels and handsprings. Don't get me wrong - I have a great job. I'm a counselor in an elementary school, and while work is work and I don't care where you work, there will always be areas for improvement, I'm pretty darn lucky with my place of employment. Still....

I have two months to put myself and my family first.

Two months to workout as often as I'd like.

Two months to take my son to the playground or swim in the pool.

Two months to enjoy my daughter's company without having to badger her about homework.

Two months to get my sh*t together and organize suffering areas of my house. (Not that this is incredibly likely, but it is possible.)

Two months to catch up with friends and read and blog and read other blogs.

Two months to .... fill in the blank because I finally have time to do it!

Woo Hoo!!!

I ♥ SUMMER.

To kick off this sacred season, I had a lovely swim Thursday thanks to my new playlist recommendations. A few of you have asked what I finally came up with, and I'm happy to share. I started by taking several songs that were just too slow for running but that I really like and then added some of your suggestions. I actually ended up making two - each just over an hour. I listened to the first one on Thursday and am eager to use the second tomorrow.





My favorite part of the recommendations were all of the references to going "old school." I'm choosing not to focus on the "old" part of that... It was good to just sit for a while and think about songs and of old friends and memories.

On Friday Justin and I went for our first bike ride together. We parked along the W&OD trail at mile 9 (east Vienna) and rode out past Leesburg to mile 35. It was a longer ride than either of us have done before, and without knowing exactly how we'd be doing towards the end, we both agreed not to go the additional 10 miles to the end of the trail before turning back. It was a good decision. When we started out yesterday the sky was overcast, and based on the weather forecast, we assumed that we would be rained on at some point. Instead though the sun came out and for our last 20 miles, it was sunny, 96 degrees and freaking hot! The trail has several places to refill water, and we stopped twice (Ashburn on the way out and Herndon on the way back) for tea, juice, and snacks. I was so sleepy when we got back to the car that we actually needed a Chinese fire drill intervention just to get home!


So far, my summer is everything I've been hoping for.

Ladies’ Choice – Super Sprint Triathlon

Mother’s Day was a whirlwind of activity at my house, and it’s taken me a few days to recover and carve out some Holly-time to write about it.

Comparing a 5:00am wake up for a sprint triathlon to a 6:30am wake up for a 5K run is an apples to oranges exercise in futility. I’m still not sure if it is the camaraderie in the atmosphere or just all of the “stuff” that I need to remember, but I literally fly out of bed and get moving. In contrast, while I’ve ran several 5ks in the past year, I can’t think of one morning that I didn’t have pangs of regret when it was time to leave my cozy bed in my snug little house with my loved-more-than-anything family members and wish that my plan instead included another couple of hours of sleep followed by brunch in pajamas.

But Mother’s Day was a multi-sport day, which is increasingly preferable to a plain old running day, and I was out of the house by 5:30 and on my way. This was easy to do on the first two races – I simply didn’t sleep the nights before because I was too anxious. The biggest accomplishment of my entire day was realized at 5:00am when I realized that I actually slept the whole night without waking up to freak out about directions, gear, transition set up, etc. It’s funny how stressful and intimidating transitions can be at first, (or at least were for me) and then after doing a few of them realizing that all of the stuff fits into a small little bag and the formula isn’t exactly rocket science. Hopefully I will still feel this way in July.

My race itself was fine. I’m still a jumble of anemia, fatigue, etc., and I’ve been distracted from “moving” much lately by other elements in life (my family, my job, my house, etc.), so my real, honest-to-goodness goal was to have fun. My swim was alright but not stellar. I kept a nice steady pace that felt as good on the last length of the pool as it did on the first. T1 was quick and simple. My bike was surprising only in that I was more upset at being passed than I thought I would be. I took note of the women who passed me, and I know that they are all tri-regulars with several events on the near horizon, but it was still irksome. T2 was super easy and the run was short and uneventful, which is about as positive as I can make a run sound most of the time. Well, I take that back. The run included one out and back stretch, which was the friendliest span of race course I’ve ever experienced. Everyone was so cheerful. It would have been weird seeing so many smiles except I knew I was wearing one too. “Great job!” “You’re almost there!” “Good luck!” REALLY?!?! When was the last time you were in a race and the other competitors actually smiled at you and gave you friendly encouragement?

The best part of the event was that two very good friends of mine competed in their first triathlons. I hope that either (both?!) will be willing to share their experiences with everyone here. I love this picture of Rebecca. I was so happy to cheer for her and be there to celebrate her first triathlon.

She is a Mama Getting Moving for sure.

And here is a shot of the four of us – Janet, Me, Rebecca and Marcie.

My Girls on the Run team had a practice 5K on Monday afternoon in preparation for our race this weekend. Due to all of the rain that we had on Monday, I shortened the distance of each lap and increased the number of laps in order to keep them on pavement and to avoid potential injury from the muddy field. Just before practice, I decided to split the girls in half and send each half in opposite directions so that they too could look at other runners, could smile at them, and could give them encouragement. They were silly and hilarious, and it was awesome.

Food & a Butt Lift

Some of you may know that my new doctor recommended that I consider food as the source of my weakened immune system, chronic fatigue, anemia, ... (the list continues). My report arrived last Friday, and I have spent the week trying to figure out HOW IN THE WORLD I am going to feed myself - not to mention the rest of the family. I'd stopped eating wheat/gluten about a month earlier since it is a likely culprit, so I was prepared for my report to possibly list that along with maybe one other thing. As long as I could eat corn (no chippies+guac = sad Holly), I was sure I could handle anything else.

Until it said soy.

(source)

Freeze. Soy? I hadn't considered this possibility AT ALL and was completely unprepared. What chippies will I buy now?! What salad dressings? What juices? What...FOOD????

And it wasn't just soy. In fact, apparently my lovely lymphocytes also reacted to pecan, broccoli, salmon, lima bean, lime, garlic, baker's yeast & calcium propionate (food preservative).

So the past week has been a little bit rough. There is one silver lining - baker's yeast is not brewer's yeast. I may not be able to eat a lot of things, but at least I can drown my sorrow in beer. Not that I drink much beer, but maybe I will, and at least I can. Ugh.

I have been exercising though. A run here, some bike trainer there, and now I have a new addition to my routine.

Not very long ago a friend of mine at work decided to extend her group fitness hobby to her colleagues and offered to lead those interested in weekly or twice-weekly workouts. Yesterday was the third day that I was able to attend. The first was a fitness test five days after the half. My legs and energy were still recovering, and after the test I could barely move for days. The second day was an Insanity workout, and my calves screamed at me for nearly a week. Yesterday she led us through "Brazilian Butt Lift". So far so good on that end. (HA! Immediately I think of my favorite dome friends.)

Imagine for a moment that you are standing in a school gymnasium with several coworkers. You are following a video that is projected onto a large screen with an amplifier attached. As you follow along squating, jumping, and rotating hips and shoulders, a Borat-lookalike video instructor provides instruction and encouragment exclaiming, "Now really squeeze your BUTT!"
If I had any shame, I'm pretty sure that I conquered it. I can't wait to see what she has for us next week.

Oh and word of caution - for the sake of providing a photo for your blog friends, do not Google Image Brazilian Butt Lift and think that you may see Mr. Borat Impersonator Video. You will not. You may be scarred for life.

I better live to be 100.

An Accidental Athlete

A few weeks ago a good friend of mine told me that she had a book to loan to me and put it into my hands.

What. A. Gift!

John Bingham's book, An Accidental Athlete, was written for me. Forget about the hundreds of thousands of people (millions?) who may read it. It was written for ME. I cringed, and I cracked up, and more than anything I nodded my head in agreement.

As to my own personal journey, here are a few more serious thoughts of his that resonated well with me:

This book is an invitation for you to discover the accidental athlete in yourself.

Yes sir... keep talking. This year has proven to me that I've needed more than just an occasional activity. Yes my physical body needed to get moving, but my psyche has needed purpose, fun, goals, and camaraderie.

The only thing worse than having never been an athlete is having been one and given it up.

Too... too true. A few years ago when my father relocated, he dropped off a few boxes of my old medals, trophies, ribbons, framed photographs, etc. After looking through everything and feeling like a pathetic has been, I put it all in the dumpster. There was nothing good for me in that stuff, and I was actually pretty embarrassed by it. I wonder if I had continued competing - through college and beyond as I assumed I would - whether or not I would have chucked those things. My guess is that they wouldn't have bothered me. That I diverted from that life at all - that is what has bothered me.

I was discovering the joy and magic of an active lifestyle. I was discovering that even though I had been living a life of sedentary confinement, I had the power to release myself.

I have had so many emotionally rewarding experiences in this past year. My first triathlon was so much fun, I was very grateful for my 9/11 5K, and my dreaded birthday was fantastic. Little by little, I've been reawakening.

I know that every step is a step in the right direction, taking me closer to who I want to be.

Dude. Every step IS a good step.

I told you he wrote this book for me.

Maybe he wrote it for you too. ... Maybe.

Good Things Come in Threes

The latest on my physical fitness roller coaster of life has been THREE moments of awesomeness.

#1 - Last night was the 6th grade vs. staff basketball game, and not only did I play for the first time in a few years, but I wasn't completely dying while doing it. My clumsiness even balanced out with four points for the teachers and three fouls against kids. Yes. Whatever. They are fast and little and play between six and eight at a time. We could look at it like it's a miracle that I didn't cause major damage to any of us.

#2 - I have been spending a lot of time looking at Virginia races this week. My slow-paced half marathon has given me ridiculous amounts of can-do attitude and today I registered for the Jamestown International Triathlon on July 1st. It will be 1500 meters in the river followed by 40K on the bike and then a 10K run. My excitement was only slightly crushed when I submitted my payment and finalized the registration. Here I was making a HUGE commitment, and all I got in return was a page that read, "Thanks for your Order" in tiny font. Really?! I guess congratulatory fireworks may be too much for some people - especially chronically fit mega-endurance types, but for someone like me, just signing up kind of feels like I need a fancy beverage to celebrate.

#3 - My favorite Swim Bike Mom mentioned ME in her post today. I feel famous! This proves what I've said before - that she is awesome, and that there is a good reason everyone should like her. Plus, she alone is responsible for #2 having suggested I consider triathlon in the first place. Nevermind that she suggests that to EVERYONE. I thought it was great advice.

Mitochondria

In February I came across a link shared by Holly Would If She Could (as opposed to yours truly - Holly Tries Her Darndest And Is Gradually Becoming The Adult She Wants To Be). The link was to a YouTube video of Dr. Terry Wahls presenting her work on the relationships between nutritional deficiencies and chronic ailments, auto-immune disorders and disease.

Like most people I know, I've understood for a while that Omega-3s are GOOD and processed foods are BAD. What I've been missing is the WHY part. The basic gist from my understanding of what she says is that the mitochondria in our cells (the project managers so to speak) are not being fueled appropriately, and so our cells struggle, and sickness can follow.

I went from that video to another, to another, to another, to finally ordering her book, Minding My Mitochondria, and I am now working on following her suggestions and moving my diet in the direction that she recommends - 3 cups of leafy green vegetables, 3 cups of brightly colored fruits and vegetables, and ANOTHER 3 cups of vegetables of your choice, grass-fed meats (I didn't realize that in addition to concerns about hormones that a big difference between grass-fed and corn-fed meats is Omega-6s versus Omega-3s), and organ meats.

Since I've been frustrated for years with random, unexplained symptoms, and for several months this winter being either sick, tired, or sick and tired, I'm in a place where I'm pretty much open to trying anything! Dr. Wahls mentions functional medicine as a health care approach, so I googled it, found the Institute for Functional Medicine, located a doctor in my area, and made an appointment. The doctor was AH-mazing. She spent close to TWO HOURS with me. In addition to strongly encouraging a good diet, she presented a thorough plan of tests and hypothesized that I may have a food allergy that has been at the base of everything. It is going to take a few months to figure it all out, and there is always the possibility that nothing turns up as an easy fix, but I'm hopeful.

2011 was about physically moving, and I'm already so much better and happier than I was a year ago. It is exciting to think that 2012 might add a layer of a more informed, healthier diet on top of the progress I've made.

As you know, I'm all about the team approach. If anyone wants to figure this stuff out together, just let me know!

Rock N Roll Half

THANK YOU to my running friends for convincing me to sign up for the Rock N Roll Half Marathon. Biggest thanks go to Erika for not only having the idea but then for convincing the lot of us that it was a good one.

I'm tired, so this post will be short, but here's a quick overview of our race:


7:30ish - Meryl (looking adorably festive), Me, Nick & Heather - we smiled for a picture before saying good luck and sending Meryl off to her corral farther toward the front.

(You may notice I am the only one who still looks nervous even while smiling.)

The race officially began at 8:00am, and in corral 26 (out of 27 total!), we crossed the start about 40 minutes later. Aside from my calves being extremely tight, I was shocked by how good it felt to be running and that I could breathe well. Heather and Nick had a 12/min/mile plan, and it was perfect for me. It's thanks to them especially that I was able to keep going today.

My revised hope for the race based on how I've been feeling for the past several weeks was to run what I could, walk the rest, and catch a ride with the sweep van if necessary. As we were running my goal kept changing. First I wanted to run the initial 5K before walking... then it was the first five miles... then I needed to walk for about a minute on a seemingly neverending hill near the end of the seventh mile but was ready to run again. I did that twice more during the first ten miles for a total of six minutes of walk time, and I was ESTATIC. Who cares that they weren't super fast miles? I've never run that far in my life! After seeing the 10, I admitted to Nick that I was really tired, was terribly proud of both of us, and needed to do more fast walking than running for the final 5K. It was time to enjoy the sunshine and my playlist.

Meeting up with the rest of our group at the end was great. I was so proud of all of everyone and grateful to be with them.

Here we are again with Erika and Lauren. What a great group of people.

Oh... my chip time was 2:50:07. I think corral 26 would be proud.

It's Not You, It's Me

Have you ever shied away from a relationship talk? Like maybe there was someone in your past who might not have been Mr. or Mrs. Right, but they were Mr./Mrs. RightNow&Comfortable? And you knew you should probably man up and share how you felt but instead ate your ice cream side by side on the couch as you watched TV? Because come on... those talks are EXHAUSTING. Literally. They are hard, and uncomfortable, and they necessitate action in order to create change... Ugh. My God. The listening... ... and... the talking.

If you can find a personal connection with what I'm asking, you might be able to understand where I'm going with this. If not, you're thinking I am a wretched person lacking in emotional depth.

I'm still a avoider.

Now don't go getting worried about me. My marriage is healthy, and I'm not referring to it in the least.

I'm referring to *THIS*. Whatever this is. I've written less often, I've exercised less often, and when I've thought of stopping to write and explain, I've been so overcome with that exact same feeling of overwhelm. What to say? How much to say? How far to go back? What am I looking for? Is this me? I had a clear purpose a year ago... how am I a scattered mess now? Can I just call myself a scattered mess and hope that you take it with a smile and let me do what I can when I can?

I was looking for accountability, and I got it, and it makes it sort of hard to be in a lazy and depressed funk for very long. My icing is guilt. That should be a good thing. It is a good thing. Without it, who knows what I'd be up to these days. Still, it's much easier to be a slacker when you don't think anyone has any expectations of you. It's too easy, and I don't want to be one.

...

Um.... I wrote all of that over a week ago. It's been sitting in "Draft" limbo. Again I shake my head.

NO MORE! Well, okay, probably a little more, but I'm trying. It's time to own up and face the music.

I wouldn't say that I am at a place where I'm starting over necessarily... but I'm dangerously close. Getting sick, and then getting sick again, and again, has definitely left it's mark. My personal training for the half marathon hit a wall about a month ago, and at this point the plan is to just sort of see what happens and to try my best to get some exercise and have fun - whatever ratio of running to walking that may be.

While I could (and have) beat myself up about how things have been going lately, I'm going to (and really need to) focus on all the good that is still happening. Here's a quick list.

#1 - Work. The after school running group rocks. Each week we have new co-workers who decide to give it a try, and I love it. I am so lucky to work with such talented, fantastic, happy, friendly people.

#2 - Diet. My eating habits have really improved, and it can be traced back to the gobs of time I spend on the Internet. There's too much to write here, but just know it's coming, and I'm excited about it.

#3 - Me. I may have lost ground in terms of my strength and cardio in the past couple of months, but my overall lifestyle is much better, my thoughts are better, my relationships are better, and I am better.

So, I'm going to write when I can, work out when I can, and continue to thank the Good Lord that I know and have met so many incredible people who support, encourage, and understand. THANKS.

... Hugely off topic, but if any of you missed it, Jen's episode of Fat Chef aired this week, and she was AWESOME. Wait... not off topic. That's #4.

More later~

Holly

Mental Maneuverings

Over the past few days I've been working to remind myself of what is important to me and ultimately what goals I have for myself. The 13.1 in March has been looming over me. More and more I realized that I've been getting anxious about working out to the point that several times I've given up just to avoid a full blown panic attack.

That isn't what I was trying to do, and CERTAINLY isn't what I want to do. Still, knowing that I was supposed to run X number of miles on this day so that I could run Y on that day so that eventually I will be able to run X to the power of Y by St. Patrick's Day... well... okay, not exactly that far...

It's freaking me out. Not to mention the never-ending mental math I find myself computing everywhere I go.... "If I run at this pace... multiply that by 13.1... add a few minutes for a slow start to get going..."

Ugh. Compared to a flighty zumba class, a good row, or trying out my new waterproof headphones in the pool (thank you Santa), it's been a real fun suck.

I am so impressed by my new long-distance athlete friends, and I love reading about their training and adventures. What I'm realizing though is that I am unintentionally making comparisons to myself, or feeling stressed out knowing that this one is doing a 2000 mile bike ride on Saturday while that one is swimming the English Channel. I've started following several blogs and group pages, and have been somewhat stunned by the information overload of athleticism.

And then I started to freak out because I could see my body starting to change in very much THE OPPOSITE direction. So I ate more cookies and baked more cakes and avoided it all, because that's how I roll.

So now, having had time to analyze my behaviors and therapize myself, I know that I need to get back to the good stuff. I need to be happy that my workout tonight included 20 minutes on the bike followed by 20 minutes on the treadmill and not hugely disappointed because I didn't get very far on either. I need to remember that every step I take is a gift that I'm giving to myself and enjoy taking many, many more of them. The 13.1 isn't my goal. It's just one strategy in getting me there, and now that I'm looking at it that way, I'm ready to make it as much fun as it can possibly be.

Overwhelmed Stress Case

Once again I've been hunkered on the quiet side. It's true that there is a parallel correspondence between my posts and my activity level, but this time my silence exceeds even that explanation. ...

I wrote that last week. It was as far as I got - as I could get. The past couple of weeks haven't been my best ever - thankfully not my worst ever either, but if I could choose, I would never repeat them. I've started countless blog posts in my mind, initially feeling like I needed to explain what was going on, but unless you feel like reading A LOT and learning WAY TOO MUCH about me, you'll be glad that I never mustered the time, focus or energy to sit long enough to do it.

Thanks to TriGirl for pinning this. It made me laugh in a very, oh. my. lawd. kind of way. I needed it.

Just imagine a very large empty blender. Toss me in along with some physical illness, a great deal of family stress, work uncertainty (not regarding my security - just project direction), and the discovery that for the past three months my pharmacy has given me the wrong medication, hit liquefy, and see what comes out. The result isn't very pretty and doesn't work out much.

So, I'm missing the erg sprints today and telling myself to get over it and let it go rather than beating myself up too badly. I'm thankful to be feeling better and know that regardless of the lack of clarity, I work with some RIDICULOUSLY fun and amazing people and wouldn't want to give up one for the other, and thankfully there aren't any long-term side effects from the incorrectly dispensed medication.

Basically, I've just needed a break. Yes, it's probably going to be harder for me this next week as I try to get back into it, but that's life... or at least mine anyway.

Havin' Words

Not a day goes by that I don't in some way panic over the Rock N Roll Half in March. With two months to go, it's important for me to get in a longer distance run on the weekends, and while I've been feeling kind of junky (stuffy head, sore throat, cough etc.), I was nervous about letting this weekend slip by just because I'm not feeling that well. It's sort of like work. Before having kids, if I felt like this, I would take the day off to recover. Now that I have two kids, and I have to take time off to care for them when they are sick, my resiliency to discomfort has fortunately toughened. I snicker a bit as I write this thinking of my childless co-workers. It's always a sick sort of fun to see them get pregnant, have babies, and toughen up themselves.

But anyway, my compromise was to stick with the safety of the temperature controlled gym rather than brave the cold outdoors and make an attempt at a longer run. Based on the training schedule, I was supposed to run eight miles this weekend. My hope was to finish six.

The first three miles were icky. I was moving slowly, I was achy, borderline miserable, and negotiating with myself how to re-structure my plan for the day without completely feeling like a loser. Overall it's a good thing when your own excuses even sound too pathetic to yourself, but it's sort of crappy to go through the internal monologue.

Whiny Me: Okay, so I'm sick. I can be happy that I'm here at all.
Publicly Accountable Me: Yeah, but people out there know you're doing this.
Whiny Me: But everyone gets sick at some point.
Publicly Accountable Me: You're not that sick. Suck it up.
Whiny Me: Okay. I won't quit now. I'll complete a 5K distance, which is somewhat legit, and then it won't be so bad to go home. My heart rate is too high anyway.
Publicly Accountable Me: The girls from work are running for real this weekend. Not a slow, somewhat legit 5K. And your heart rate is always too high. Stop looking at it.
Whiny Me: Why in God's name did I sign up for this thing?
Publicly Accountable Me: You talk too much. Listen to the music.

So I listened. Initially I bargained that I'd just run for one more song, and then I wanted to run to a rounded number of miles, and then it was an even amount of time. Thankfully, things evened out, and I found myself coming up on my eight miles.

And then, wouldn't you know it, but that SOB machine had the audacity to try and kick me off. Apparently, you can only run for 90 minutes on the treadmill, which makes sense to me if there are people waiting, but with the majority of the machines empty is really just a nuisance. Anyhoo... you all know that I'm a slow runner. So, when at 90 minutes the machine told me it was time to cool down, I started to lose it. The convo was more like this:

Joshua (aka: speak-n-spell sounding machine with mockingly evil intent): Your time is up. Game over.
Me: What?! Are you freaking kidding me?
Joshua: You get 90 minutes. You are too slow. I am slowing down for your two minute cool down.
Me: Oh no you did not just start to slow down. (Pressing "UP" button frantically)
Joshua: You are sad.
Me: Listen you stupid SOB, I need eight miles. Not 7.87, not 7.95. Eight. (Pressing "UP button even more)
Joshua: Tick, tick, tick. Want to play again? Maybe you will do better.
Me: No, I REFUSE. (Realising that while I've just run for 90 minutes at a 5.3 (11:20 ish pace, I am now running these final two minutes at an 8.4, which is about a 7:10)

And there it is. I pass 8 miles at 91:17.

Humph.

Pinterest: Making Me the Woman I've Always Wanted to Be

In the past few months, Pinterest seems to have taken the online community by storm. My work community has embraced the site for both personal (everyone loves new hair, clothing and DIY ideas in an elementary school) and professional (again, I'd be interested in seeing a breakdown of active Pinterest users by career field) reasons. As a school counselor, I've been really happy to see a lot of great ideas and have an easy way of keeping track of them.

Where am I going with this?

Aside from my very exciting fingernails...

...and some homemade coasters...

it actually is giving me some great ideas about diet and some useful reminders for motivation.

As you know, the only thing consistent about my diet is the lack there of. I love cookies. If you're opening a bottle of wine, I'll gladly have a glass. My idea of a post run treat is a giant hamburger and onion rings.

But in an effort to enjoy good food while working on a new fitness goal (this crazy 13.1 of mine), I've started looking for more recipes that will give me some balance. And let me tell you, Pinterest is making it possible.

The black bean, cilantro, avocado recipe was awesome, I made a grilled zucchini corn salad with added grilled asparagus that was a big hit, and I took the chicken part of one recipe, added the homemade salsa from another, and made the best tacos we've had in a long time.

I DID ALL OF THIS WITHIN A WEEK.

Prior to the big "P" entering my life, one healthy, completely homemade and found all on my own recipe would typically be enough for me to pat myself on the back for a couple of months. I'm thinking that now it may just be possible for me to finally get it together in order to benefit my whole family, and that would be awesome.

So this is a shout out to Ben Silbermann to say thanks. You've provided me with an easy and fun method for compartmentalizing areas of my life in a way that allows me to take baby steps, exchange great ideas, meet and follow so many amazing mom-athletes, and be excited about believing in possibilities.

Epiphany

I had an epiphany last night. Yep. One day early you could say. After going for a short two-mile run with a few friends from work, I came home and nearly passed out on the floor putting my son to sleep. It was my night to go to the gym, but I was tired and feeling lazy, and it was cold outside, and I didn't want to change into gym clothes. Instead, I told my husband that I wanted to set up the new trainer that Santa brought and give it a try.

It took us a bit to get the thing figured out, which doesn't say much about us given that there isn't a whole lot to the thing. Once we did though, I turned up my ipod volume and started to pedal.

I bought a cyclocross as a way of getting the best of what I consider both worlds without having to buy two expensive bikes. The tires are thicker and have more tread than road bikes do, so while I can travel much faster than on a mountain bike or hybrid, I can also veer off the pavement without worry. In the small, sprint triathlons that I've done so far, I've received just a bit of heckling for not replacing them to boost my mph, but really the distances that I've been doing are still so short that even a couple of mph wouldn't make a tremendous difference. In any event, I haven't changed them.

The trainer works by holding the rear bike wheel while it rotates and passes over a small cylinder for friction.

The more friction though, the more sound that is produced. Justin compared the noise coming from our basement to hornets fighting.

I may need to change the tires. They'll wear down quickly now anyway. There is a part of me though that likes the chunkiness of them. Last weekend at the 5K in Manassas, there was a man who ran in jeans, a plaid button up, a cowboy hat and steel toed work boots. He did pretty well. I don't mean to say that I want to be that guy, but I do sort of feel like some things are necessary (a bike) and some things probably aren't (a super expensive amazing tri bike) for a girl like me. Justin and I have promised each other to register for an international distance tri this year. If we can manage the distances, what's another five minutes in the grand scheme of things? I hardly see either one of us up on the podium when it is all over!

So... as I said, I started to pedal, I cranked up my music, and by the end of the second song, my quads were heating up and telling me that they would be sore in the future. THIS was my epiphany. In the past couple of months, I've been getting slower and slower in my running without really knowing why. Since I was more confident in my swimming and biking, I chose to focus more time on my running. I didn't consciously decide to stop biking, but I did. Why is it getting harder for me to run and am I getting slower?! Well, I'm not 100% sure, but I would imagine that it has something to do with the fact that I'm not strengthening my legs on my bike.

There is nothing like thinking to yourself on a stationary bike in your basement, "I am a total idiot."

After a few more songs, I guess I started to sing along here and there. Justin later told me that he all of a sudden heard what sounded like a little girl talking amongst the fighting hornets. After a few more songs, I used whatever air was left over to belt out my tunes. His remark? There were hornets fighting and then came a woman who had found her roar.

Weird. Possibly true... I dunno. Thankfully I didn't have to listen to all that racket.

After an hour on my bike, I was totally sweaty and gross and was really, really thankful for Santa's gift.