It's Not You, It's Me

Have you ever shied away from a relationship talk? Like maybe there was someone in your past who might not have been Mr. or Mrs. Right, but they were Mr./Mrs. RightNow&Comfortable? And you knew you should probably man up and share how you felt but instead ate your ice cream side by side on the couch as you watched TV? Because come on... those talks are EXHAUSTING. Literally. They are hard, and uncomfortable, and they necessitate action in order to create change... Ugh. My God. The listening... ... and... the talking.

If you can find a personal connection with what I'm asking, you might be able to understand where I'm going with this. If not, you're thinking I am a wretched person lacking in emotional depth.

I'm still a avoider.

Now don't go getting worried about me. My marriage is healthy, and I'm not referring to it in the least.

I'm referring to *THIS*. Whatever this is. I've written less often, I've exercised less often, and when I've thought of stopping to write and explain, I've been so overcome with that exact same feeling of overwhelm. What to say? How much to say? How far to go back? What am I looking for? Is this me? I had a clear purpose a year ago... how am I a scattered mess now? Can I just call myself a scattered mess and hope that you take it with a smile and let me do what I can when I can?

I was looking for accountability, and I got it, and it makes it sort of hard to be in a lazy and depressed funk for very long. My icing is guilt. That should be a good thing. It is a good thing. Without it, who knows what I'd be up to these days. Still, it's much easier to be a slacker when you don't think anyone has any expectations of you. It's too easy, and I don't want to be one.

...

Um.... I wrote all of that over a week ago. It's been sitting in "Draft" limbo. Again I shake my head.

NO MORE! Well, okay, probably a little more, but I'm trying. It's time to own up and face the music.

I wouldn't say that I am at a place where I'm starting over necessarily... but I'm dangerously close. Getting sick, and then getting sick again, and again, has definitely left it's mark. My personal training for the half marathon hit a wall about a month ago, and at this point the plan is to just sort of see what happens and to try my best to get some exercise and have fun - whatever ratio of running to walking that may be.

While I could (and have) beat myself up about how things have been going lately, I'm going to (and really need to) focus on all the good that is still happening. Here's a quick list.

#1 - Work. The after school running group rocks. Each week we have new co-workers who decide to give it a try, and I love it. I am so lucky to work with such talented, fantastic, happy, friendly people.

#2 - Diet. My eating habits have really improved, and it can be traced back to the gobs of time I spend on the Internet. There's too much to write here, but just know it's coming, and I'm excited about it.

#3 - Me. I may have lost ground in terms of my strength and cardio in the past couple of months, but my overall lifestyle is much better, my thoughts are better, my relationships are better, and I am better.

So, I'm going to write when I can, work out when I can, and continue to thank the Good Lord that I know and have met so many incredible people who support, encourage, and understand. THANKS.

... Hugely off topic, but if any of you missed it, Jen's episode of Fat Chef aired this week, and she was AWESOME. Wait... not off topic. That's #4.

More later~

Holly