Mental Maneuverings

Over the past few days I've been working to remind myself of what is important to me and ultimately what goals I have for myself. The 13.1 in March has been looming over me. More and more I realized that I've been getting anxious about working out to the point that several times I've given up just to avoid a full blown panic attack.

That isn't what I was trying to do, and CERTAINLY isn't what I want to do. Still, knowing that I was supposed to run X number of miles on this day so that I could run Y on that day so that eventually I will be able to run X to the power of Y by St. Patrick's Day... well... okay, not exactly that far...

It's freaking me out. Not to mention the never-ending mental math I find myself computing everywhere I go.... "If I run at this pace... multiply that by 13.1... add a few minutes for a slow start to get going..."

Ugh. Compared to a flighty zumba class, a good row, or trying out my new waterproof headphones in the pool (thank you Santa), it's been a real fun suck.

I am so impressed by my new long-distance athlete friends, and I love reading about their training and adventures. What I'm realizing though is that I am unintentionally making comparisons to myself, or feeling stressed out knowing that this one is doing a 2000 mile bike ride on Saturday while that one is swimming the English Channel. I've started following several blogs and group pages, and have been somewhat stunned by the information overload of athleticism.

And then I started to freak out because I could see my body starting to change in very much THE OPPOSITE direction. So I ate more cookies and baked more cakes and avoided it all, because that's how I roll.

So now, having had time to analyze my behaviors and therapize myself, I know that I need to get back to the good stuff. I need to be happy that my workout tonight included 20 minutes on the bike followed by 20 minutes on the treadmill and not hugely disappointed because I didn't get very far on either. I need to remember that every step I take is a gift that I'm giving to myself and enjoy taking many, many more of them. The 13.1 isn't my goal. It's just one strategy in getting me there, and now that I'm looking at it that way, I'm ready to make it as much fun as it can possibly be.