Treadmill Etiquette

Sunday evening I went to the gym for a balanced workout of running and weights. My legs were tired, I was tired after getting around four hours of sleep the night before, so I wasn't exactly expecting the workout of all time.

When I approached the treadmills, most of them were empty. I've never counted, but I think that there are somewhere around fifteen machines give or take a couple. I got on, walked for a minute or two to loosen up, and started to jog. Everything was fine until a woman came over and selected the treadmill right next to me. Remember that I just said most of them were empty. I felt like she'd broken some obvious social norm. If there are 30 chairs to sit on while waiting at the DMV, and 27 of them are empty, you don't choose one right next to another person. Likewise, you can fully expect that someone isn't going to choose one right next to you.

I know this is an apples to oranges thing, and I probably would have been able to move past it, but it's important to understand that my issue with proximity is primarily about speed and pace. Plodding along at 5.5mph, it's unnerving and sometimes stressful to have someone running much faster right next to me. I wish there were partitions between each machine.

It's also a reality that some people run like gazelles, and some people run like elephants. My new neighbor was a stampeding bison. The THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP was slightly terrifying and definitely distracting. You see, I am lovely Miss Abby Cadabby practicing fairy exercises, and she was Elmo banging away on the drum.



I tried my best to block it out by maxing out my ipod volume, but then...

... then came the hills. Her interval workout ranged from running, to running faster, to running on the steepest incline on the treadmill. Now I respect people who choose to run with an incline. I really do. However, when it is necessary to hold on as tightly as possible to the bar in front and virtually hang from it so that your feet can continue to THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, at that point it's just irritating and proof that the world needs Darwin awards. The first time she did it, I was just processing what was happening and wondering again, why in the world she had chosen the treadmill RIGHT NEXT TO ME. The second time she did it, I was secretly snickering at the idea of her all of a sudden – whoomph – disappearing behind us as she got thrown off the treadmill, and the third time I was having a Seinfeld-esque moment wondering what the proper protocol would be should that happen. Would anyone stop their workouts to help her? Would I?

Monday night I went for a run outside.