The ERG

I am trying out a neighborhood gym for the month of August to see how I like it and how often I can realistically get away from the family before taking the plunge and signing up. In changing jobs, my husband decided to join last week as there isn't a good and convenient gym near his new building, so he and I have been debriefing each other on our workouts and experiences.

Tonight was a good treadmill run for me - 5.5 miles in an hour - followed by ten minutes on the ERG. I rowed in high school and did a brief stint of it in college, so I know how to use the machine although I would never, ever describe it as fun activity. In fact, during my short piece tonight, I found myself thinking that some crazy triathlon people should meet some crazy rowing people so they could set higher goals for themselves. It. is. HARD. Using the erg reduces you to the physical pain without getting any satisfaction from feeling the boat or the water and being outside.

On Sunday Justin and our brother-in-law went for a crossfit class (I have no idea what this is, but it sounds like a very expensive way to get someone to tell you what to do.... I'll let you know if I find out more details), and the class included a rotation on the ergs. Keep in mind that Justin has never rowed before, and there was apparently, NO instruction on how to do it.

So Tuesday after my run I hopped on the erg for a quick 5 minutes before I needed to leave the gym just to let my body reacquaint itself after the seventeen year separation. This in itself was somewhat dangerous for me. For ten years after I stopped rowing I would typically have one or two dreams every week about it - stressing about my technique, trying to push my legs faster, etc. I loved rowing, and I miss it. I'd like to think that someday I'll have the time and access to do it again, but I'm sure that is far into my future.

In any event, there are two ergs at the gym, and they seem to be located in the dead center of all of the cardio equipment. This is shocking to me. Ergs, in my opinion, should be located near a wall, preferably with a mirror, and ideally in a corner - not out in the open where all ridiculousness is celebrated in glory. No lying, the guy next to me looked like a wet noodle in an electrical socket. As I told Justin about it, I could tell by the look on his face that he had no idea there was any particular form to be aiming for, and there was a strong possibility that I had just described his crowning achievement from the crossfit class.

Our convo:

Me: The guy was just noodling!

Him: Uh...

Me: I mean really! Where does he think that oar is trying to go?!

Him: Uh...

Me: Seriously. The oar goes in the water (accompanied with quick demonstration on carpet), you push your legs to grab the water, open your back and pull the oar in - straight!

Him: Yeah, okay...

Me: Well how is he going to get back to the beginning with his knees in the way? I'm sure he's never rowed before, but it's a rowing machine! It should in some way resemble the process! Noodling!

Him: Noodling...

Me: Yes! Up down up down - pull the oar into the body, raise the knees, lift the oar over the knees, make a HUGE dip into the air as the body finally decides to come back up to the beginning - NOODLING!

Him: Is that what it's really called?

Me: Heck no. You just say the person looks like a pathetic dumbass. Actually, rowers are typically nice people. They just THINK he looks like a pathetic dumbass.

Him: (Somewhat aghast because wife rarely calls anyone a dumbass and moves to carpet to practice)

So yesterday (we're taking turns going to the gym and staying with the kids) he decided that he was going to give it a try after his weights workout. I may have created a monster.

Him: I saw the noodling.

Me: I don't know why those machines aren't anywhere near a mirror to give people a chance.

Him: The guy next to me... You should have seen him. He was all over the place! He was... (quick demonstration and the eyes popped open) he was NOODLING! It was THE NOODLER!

(true enough, the physical description confirmed that we must have been rowing next to the same person)

Me: (chuckling) So you liked the erg?

Him: What an incredible workout! You work everything! The noodler and I finished at the same time and he said to me, "yeah man, that was a good row."

Me: (blinking) There is no possible way that guys knows how to row. He'd either tip over, or his boat would and probably should toss him in the water.

Now don't worry - Justin has made it clear to me that under no uncertain circumstances am I to give the noodler or anyone else advice, "because no one at the gym wants advice about anything - you're either flirting or a know-it-all." Coming off the treadmill, I felt pained for the guy already on one of the ergs. I'm sure he wanted a good workout, and he certainly wasn't noodling, but the problem was he was barely going anywhere AND his hands were upside down. I threw my towel over the monitor, started my watch and ipod, and closed my eyes. After about two minutes I opened them and noticed that he had turned his hands over, and after a few more minutes his body started to elongate. :-)

I don't know how far I rowed, and for the next several pieces it will probably be best for me not to look, but even if I don't like the erg, it is the closest to rowing there is, and with my eyes closed, it isn't that bad.