NYE

I have 19 minutes to write this and still have it post in December 2011. Oh bless. 18 minutes. So anyway, resolutions freak me out. They always have. Mostly I think it is because I have very limited will power, but I'm sure it also involves commitment and overanalyzation. Anyhoo... I wasn't going to write at all today, and I certainly wasn't going to lay out on the line any amazing triumphs or life changes that I'm hoping for or promising. Just thinking about making an official resolution, it's like I'm a freight train.... no, like I'm the front seat on the rickety old Rebel Yell - just about to crest the peak and zoom down, sounding like I might jump track or spontaneously crack at any moment. The necessary objective is of course not to make myself sick.

I started all of this business last January with my bicycle Christmas present and the hope of getting myself off the couch. It wasn't a resolution, and I didn't start until a few weeks into January, but reading back through my posts and looking over my events page, it's definitely satisfying to see how far I've come in the last year. I have hope that 2012 fills me with similar moments of happiness, that it helps me to connect with old friends and make new ones, that I find myself talking about exercise, making plans, setting goals, and living my life more fully. More than anything else, I feel as though that has been my crowning achievement this year. If there is only one life to live here on earth, I want to confidently grasp opportunties as they are presented. Hesitation, excuses, anxiety, and avoidance are all hinderances and self-imposed limitations. I am sick of them.

If you are sick of them too, or if you've already left them in the dust years ago, I invite you to continue this journey with me into 2012 so that we can live fully - live LOUD - together.

As You Wish

Marriage, that blessed arrangement... that dream within a dream....

When Justin and I started dating and he offered to go running with me, I was slightly appreciative, mildly irritated, and nervously avoidant. When we got married, I'm certain that he gave up all hopes of every having a wedded running partner. Even a year ago I never would have thought that the two of us would ever, EVER go running on purpose for entertainment.

Today was a new day. The weather was beautiful, and after cleaning house we set out for a lovely, slow-paced, afternoon run. We stopped for just a couple of minutes to say hello to friends along the trail, but otherwise we really enjoyed ourselves. Who would have thought it could be possible? Ten years later, I'm thankful that he hadn't given up on me.

Here's a shot of us when we got home.

Then of course we were starving... and food is necessary....

It was a very good thing that the Farm Boy never gave up on Buttercup.

Chutes and Ladders

I never liked the game Chutes and Ladders when I was a kid. I always landed on the worst square, getting so close to the top and then tumbling down while listening to insensitive snickers from other players. I hated that there was no strategy and that I was completely at the mercy of the game.

(Look closely... you can see me on square 87... I'm even getting into the cookie jar)


These days, it is easy enough to find/develop/create a strategy for life, and yet I'm the one pushing myself down the slippery slope. Complaining to my husband tonight of fatigue and a headache, he asked me if I'd taken anything. My answer? "Yeah, I ate four cookies." Ohh... maybe eating those cookies while he was putting our son to sleep wasn't the best idea. Maybe on the heels of the snowman peep that I devoured during our block tower building session tonight, following the wine, cheese, chips and guacamole excuse for a dinner, which succeeded the vanilla latte and Flan Normand afternoon delight, and the previously consumed beer flight and pizza lunch....

Maybe I'm now skipping ahead on the board to the precipice of disaster time and time again, just hoping to scream, "wheee! This time I've done it to myself!" What kind of weird masochist spends an entire year trying to get more healthy and fit only to design personal sabotage?

The apparent answer to that question is ... ME.

Thank goodness I got out for a short, brisk run this morning. Thank goodness I have an awesome friend who invited me. Thank goodness I'm running another 5k on Saturday, and I have a different-but-still-totally-awesome friend who invited me for that. Thank goodness I have a husband that loves me and laughs at my cookie consumption and brings me two Bayer and a glass of water.

Slight Improvement

Ask and it shall be delivered! Wow! Several of you wrote, called, or asked me in person what I've been up to since last week's post. Talk about a much-needed lifeline!

I am very happy to say that my inadequate willpower has been trumped by my overly developed worry for public humiliation, and I haven't binged in the candy bowl at work since my last post. I'd be happier if I could say honestly that I haven't binged at all, but the privacy of my own kitchen seems to be my downfall. Cursed Christmas cookies. Fortunately I have almost eaten them all, so soon enough they may not be a problem. They aren't even that good, which I don't understand but am old enough to just admit. I live in a small house. Half of the time I'm standing in front of the open refrigerator before I realize it or stop to think why. It's enough that I'm passing it: of course I should open it... maybe there is something good in there. Nevermind that I'm the person who puts the stuff in there in the first place, and nevermind the fact that I've probably looked four times in the past two hours. Hrumph.

I have been running more often lately though, which is a very good thing, but I'm fairly certain that my calories burned still exceed my unnecessary calories consumed. By a factor of 5. Possibly 10. Thank God for good friends who have joined me to go running. You all rock. You keep my excuses at bay, my mind preoccupied, and my spirits up. I guess I'm really one lucky girl with a slight ridiculous cookie appreciation compulsion.

Maybe this should be my new race outfit.... just add long sleeves and leggings?

It's Not Just a River in Egypt

You may have noticed I've been sort of quiet lately. There is the possibility that you've sat at your computer wondering why I haven't been posting very often. Perhaps you've come to the conclusion that I am so busy working out, that it is getting harder and harder to squeeze in a regular blog post. I love you for these thoughts. In my own eyes-looking-up-and-to-the-left sort of way as I seek an excuse that aligns with your assumptions, I love you. Thanks. Bunches.

The hard reality is that I am in desperate need of cruising through the winter solstice and gaining precious moments of daylight again. I've been quiet because I haven't wanted to be taken to task about my wimpy workouts or my sucky dietary choices (mostly just crap with a few vegetables thrown in here and there to make me feel better about what I'm inhaling). Yes... wimpy and sucky. Both.

Denial (also called abnegation) is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. --- Thank you All-Knowing Wikipedia

A.B.N.E.G.A.T.I.O.N. - That's me.

Awareness is crucial at this point. I'm sure I pushed myself into this state. There should have been a WARNING label.

Caution! Registering to run 13.1 CONSECUTIVE miles may trigger natural defense mechanisms in the form of binge eating and a significant reduction in overall activity level.

You could do us both a favor by saving me from myself. Think of it. Next time you're wondering where I am or what I'm doing... just ask. Hold me accountable. I'm begging you.