Mental Maneuverings

Over the past few days I've been working to remind myself of what is important to me and ultimately what goals I have for myself. The 13.1 in March has been looming over me. More and more I realized that I've been getting anxious about working out to the point that several times I've given up just to avoid a full blown panic attack.

That isn't what I was trying to do, and CERTAINLY isn't what I want to do. Still, knowing that I was supposed to run X number of miles on this day so that I could run Y on that day so that eventually I will be able to run X to the power of Y by St. Patrick's Day... well... okay, not exactly that far...

It's freaking me out. Not to mention the never-ending mental math I find myself computing everywhere I go.... "If I run at this pace... multiply that by 13.1... add a few minutes for a slow start to get going..."

Ugh. Compared to a flighty zumba class, a good row, or trying out my new waterproof headphones in the pool (thank you Santa), it's been a real fun suck.

I am so impressed by my new long-distance athlete friends, and I love reading about their training and adventures. What I'm realizing though is that I am unintentionally making comparisons to myself, or feeling stressed out knowing that this one is doing a 2000 mile bike ride on Saturday while that one is swimming the English Channel. I've started following several blogs and group pages, and have been somewhat stunned by the information overload of athleticism.

And then I started to freak out because I could see my body starting to change in very much THE OPPOSITE direction. So I ate more cookies and baked more cakes and avoided it all, because that's how I roll.

So now, having had time to analyze my behaviors and therapize myself, I know that I need to get back to the good stuff. I need to be happy that my workout tonight included 20 minutes on the bike followed by 20 minutes on the treadmill and not hugely disappointed because I didn't get very far on either. I need to remember that every step I take is a gift that I'm giving to myself and enjoy taking many, many more of them. The 13.1 isn't my goal. It's just one strategy in getting me there, and now that I'm looking at it that way, I'm ready to make it as much fun as it can possibly be.

Overwhelmed Stress Case

Once again I've been hunkered on the quiet side. It's true that there is a parallel correspondence between my posts and my activity level, but this time my silence exceeds even that explanation. ...

I wrote that last week. It was as far as I got - as I could get. The past couple of weeks haven't been my best ever - thankfully not my worst ever either, but if I could choose, I would never repeat them. I've started countless blog posts in my mind, initially feeling like I needed to explain what was going on, but unless you feel like reading A LOT and learning WAY TOO MUCH about me, you'll be glad that I never mustered the time, focus or energy to sit long enough to do it.

Thanks to TriGirl for pinning this. It made me laugh in a very, oh. my. lawd. kind of way. I needed it.

Just imagine a very large empty blender. Toss me in along with some physical illness, a great deal of family stress, work uncertainty (not regarding my security - just project direction), and the discovery that for the past three months my pharmacy has given me the wrong medication, hit liquefy, and see what comes out. The result isn't very pretty and doesn't work out much.

So, I'm missing the erg sprints today and telling myself to get over it and let it go rather than beating myself up too badly. I'm thankful to be feeling better and know that regardless of the lack of clarity, I work with some RIDICULOUSLY fun and amazing people and wouldn't want to give up one for the other, and thankfully there aren't any long-term side effects from the incorrectly dispensed medication.

Basically, I've just needed a break. Yes, it's probably going to be harder for me this next week as I try to get back into it, but that's life... or at least mine anyway.